So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
