Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
