Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
