every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
