i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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