i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
