There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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