i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
