Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
