Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
