I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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