On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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