Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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