We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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