Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
