I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
