found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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