We need to start having sex underwater more often.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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