I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
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