I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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