So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
