Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
