I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
