The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
