Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
