I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
