new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
