Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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