Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
cat food counts as protein by the way
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
