Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
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He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
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Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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