No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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