i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
