Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
