I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
