So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
