12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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