I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
It's never too late to be topless.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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