My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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