Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
