that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
