Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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