i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
