Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
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