Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
