If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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