I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
