He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
