So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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