why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
