you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
