dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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