i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I wish there were birth control emojis
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
